I really like to start up a business for myself,
This may sound promising, but not in my case,
Or stupid which is my case,
I like to start making youtube videos, I dont know if I have the courage,
but I start with things that I know,
Hopefully I can get somewhere,
Wednesday 16 January 2013
Monday 14 January 2013
Easy Fix
After many years of dieting and countless attempts, I have come to realize that not even once I was able to loose the weight for a trip, a party, new year, my birthday...
Each time I wanted to eat less or exercise something has happened,
But this time I don't want to set a time or an expiration date for my journey,
I simply want to change myself,
The whole me makeover,
There are many things that I really like to change about me,
I Know this may sound easy, but it takes me years to understand, There is only certain amount of time that you can pass on chocolate or certain type of food,
Or I can keep up with counting my calories and not feel worthless,
This time I simply do what ever I was doing before but modify it,
For example,
Today in the cafeteria I really wanted to have a slice of pizza and later on I would have indulge myself with a Starbucks vanilla latte (Which I usually get skinny one with 120Cal),
Instead today, I got a roast beef sandwich with a banana and no more coffee for a day, So I can sleep tonight and change my worst habit which I have had for as long as remember, INSOMNIA,
I know the roast beef sandwich is not the healthiest option that I could have,
But at least is better than pizza,
Not the best choice but better than my usual,
<3
Each time I wanted to eat less or exercise something has happened,
But this time I don't want to set a time or an expiration date for my journey,
I simply want to change myself,
The whole me makeover,
There are many things that I really like to change about me,
I Know this may sound easy, but it takes me years to understand, There is only certain amount of time that you can pass on chocolate or certain type of food,
Or I can keep up with counting my calories and not feel worthless,
This time I simply do what ever I was doing before but modify it,
For example,
Today in the cafeteria I really wanted to have a slice of pizza and later on I would have indulge myself with a Starbucks vanilla latte (Which I usually get skinny one with 120Cal),
Instead today, I got a roast beef sandwich with a banana and no more coffee for a day, So I can sleep tonight and change my worst habit which I have had for as long as remember, INSOMNIA,
I know the roast beef sandwich is not the healthiest option that I could have,
But at least is better than pizza,
Not the best choice but better than my usual,
<3
The beginning,
Like many many other days, I started my day with a dream...Dream of losing weight,
Now I am at a point which I don't believe I can do it anymore,
I see slim girls and it feels like they have everything that I don't have,
My life appears to be normal and even fortunate compared to many other people, but deep inside I am struggling with things that have haunted me for a long time,
I was a fat kid and I have brother which did an excellent job reminding this fact to me every second of my childhood,
When I go through my childhood photos, I don't look that fat in any of them, I don't know if I have developed a conscious to escape from cameras,since I only have handful of photos
Being fat made me to be an indoor kid, Since I was to afraid to being teased by other kids,
I started dreaming, about the day that I am thin,
When I go back and read all stuff that I have written here, it gives me a picture of sad girl, about 200lbs
but the truth is I am not even overweight, I am 145lbs,
At my heaviest I was 170lbs,
....
I immigrated to Canada when I was 17/16, What a year!!!!
I became so depressed to a point which I was at my breaking point,
I don't know how other people would feel to be so conscious about how they speak, to not make any mistakes and to cover up their thick accent,
It is sad that after many year in Canada, I still speak with such a thick accent,
My thoughts are all over the place,
But I should not stop dreaming,
Maybe one day, I gain myself back,
One day I will not miss a party, a wedding or my graduation ceremony because of my fears
<3
Now I am at a point which I don't believe I can do it anymore,
I see slim girls and it feels like they have everything that I don't have,
My life appears to be normal and even fortunate compared to many other people, but deep inside I am struggling with things that have haunted me for a long time,
I was a fat kid and I have brother which did an excellent job reminding this fact to me every second of my childhood,
When I go through my childhood photos, I don't look that fat in any of them, I don't know if I have developed a conscious to escape from cameras,since I only have handful of photos
Being fat made me to be an indoor kid, Since I was to afraid to being teased by other kids,
I started dreaming, about the day that I am thin,
When I go back and read all stuff that I have written here, it gives me a picture of sad girl, about 200lbs
but the truth is I am not even overweight, I am 145lbs,
At my heaviest I was 170lbs,
....
I immigrated to Canada when I was 17/16, What a year!!!!
I became so depressed to a point which I was at my breaking point,
I don't know how other people would feel to be so conscious about how they speak, to not make any mistakes and to cover up their thick accent,
It is sad that after many year in Canada, I still speak with such a thick accent,
My thoughts are all over the place,
But I should not stop dreaming,
Maybe one day, I gain myself back,
One day I will not miss a party, a wedding or my graduation ceremony because of my fears
<3
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